Reflection:
I am extremely proud of the physical portfolio I have produced during this brief, comprising of 64 canvas paintings in total. I pushed myself to use different dimensions and shapes, experiment with different mediums (with or without gesso, structure gel, matte medium, gloss medium) to experiment and identify visual information and mark-making that is valuable to the project as a whole and answers my question - how can I portray blindness? How can I warp the paint in different ways to take the viewer on a journey through my lens? Since the New Year, I have really pushed myself out of my comfort zone and tried to problem solve this using a variety of colours.
I worked during some very difficult personal circumstances which I could not be more proud of. The going got tough, and tough, and tougher and I persevered as much as humanly possible. By mid-March, I had reached 200 days without my Guide Dog, Tami, who had left me at the end of July 2021 to go to a boarder, have surgeries to remove the benign tumours on her hips and ribs as her harness could no longer close, and recover. She was fully recovered and healed by January 2021 but the lockdown prevented us from retraining and I was nervous going out into the world without being vaccinated yet. My mum was also struggling with the pandemic and isolation as a severe stroke survivor and it hurt me to try and complete my degree while hearing how much she was struggling and eventually hurting herself to cope. I started to lose steam in many ways. With the project and with living. It was so, so difficult living in the lockdown and not being able to go outside - depending on food deliveries and the online realm for my source of happiness and communication. By March, I was fully vaccinated but my barrier was my disability. I was missing Tami so much who is my family and my best friend. I don't really have anyone else with my mum not being my mum anymore and everyone in my family abandoning me with the responsibility of being her carer. It's a terribly difficult situation to live with everyday, and I will for the rest of my life, along with retinal detachment and losing my useful vision - which I'm trying to unpick in this project. To face the content of this project every day was also tough. Was I doing a good job? Was it worth doing?
With the pockets of human contact, and familial love, not being fulfilled, I was struggling and falling into a dark place. Painting had been an escape and a therapy as talking therapy wasn't too successful this year especially finding the right person to talk to. Listening to music and painting as an escape holds much more value to me to work out my issues. Upon Tami's return at the end of March, I was able to pick myself back
How have I improved as an artist? My professionalism with canvas painting authentically and organically improved over the months as I continued to paint and push myself, getting used to the materials and experimenting with what they could do - problem solving the question of how to portray what I can see and how to honestly and accurately convey what happened to me in a step-by-step process of flashing lights, large floaters, and a black curtain drawing across my vision before my retina detached. I know how to apply gesso and mediums to acrylics, such as matte medium, gloss medium and structure gel to achieve certain outcomes to a high standard.
I uploaded all of my work in real-time to continue to motivate myself which held incredible esteem. to collect feedback from friends, professionals and people on the internet, shelve the piece, and move onto the next one so that I could continue moving forward in the brief was such a valuable cycle. IF I didn't do this process I think I would have been stuck in my own self-doubt.
What could I have done better? I would have liked to try making my own canvas with the university facilities, rather than just using small, portable ones bought from Amazon that are cheap and easy to deliver. The lockdown until March prevented this from being a reality and I had to manage my time effectively to be able to complete my other modules of dissertation research, writing and planning the visual essay, and professional practice. I could also have tried using different paint, instead of acrylic and watercolour. but I don't feel ready to progress onto oils yet.
What next? Now that I have completed my set briefs of canvas painting and monoprinting, it is time to plan my publication and start to construct it. I want to ensure the content is interesting for sighted viewers while being educational and having good, visual quality.
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